On My Own
by Quipster
Summary: Dealing with the tragic death of her boyfriend, a girl has to struggle through life not able to let go of the guilt or his memory, causing dire consequences


Quipster's Note: So I don't own the song, or the Newsies so that sucks cause I love them both... The song is from Les Mis and the newsies are from the wonderful wonderful people at Disney...

_On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone  
I walk with him til morning  
Without him  
I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me_

Rachel curled up into her bed. She tuned out all the noise around her in the Bleeker Street Lodging House and closed her eyes. She blocked everything from the real word out and immediately saw his face. She sighed in contentment and relief when in the dream her prince charming wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.

The sigh did not go unnoticed by the other lodgers, who were already worried about her. Quipster looked over at Tunes to see if she had noticed. Seeing that she hadn't Quipster walked up to her and cleared her throat.

Tunes looked up from her bunk where she was very busy with her boyfriend Skittery. "Whadja want?" Tunes questioned.

"Can I talk to you real quick? It's important," Quipster requested.

Tunes looked very upset at the interruption. "Fine. Dis bettah be good. Skitt, don't you dare move. I'll be right back."

Skittery groaned and glared at Quipster.

"Oh, stop youh whinin'! She'll be right back!" Quipster told him, walking toward the hallway. Tunes followed her, an annoyed expression splashed across her face.

"All right, what is it dat couldn't wait?" Tunes inquired once the door was closed.

"I'm really worried 'bout Rachel. She doesn't talk to anyone durin' da day an' den she goes ta bed at six thoity!"

"How is it our business if she doesn't like to talk to anyone?" Tunes queried. "Maybe she doesn't have any friends!"

"Tunes, you know dat she had a lotta friends befoah…it…happened," Quipster reproved.

"It? You can't still be talkin' 'bout da same it I think you are. Specs died almost a year ago!"

"Well, it isn't like she evah got ovah dat. Dey were in love! An' since he died she hasn't dated at all. Plus, it's got ta be rough on her. Him dyin' protectin' her."

"What's youh point?"

"My point is maybe we should have a talk wid her or somethin'. We do run da House sorta. Maybe we should ask her if she's okay."

"Quip, I'm shoah if she wanted ta talk she would. Besides, what do ya expect me ta say? She's been stayin' heah foh almost a yeah an' I'se barely said two words ta her."

Quipster sighed. "Well, I don't know what ta say eithah!"  
"Den don't say anythin'," Tunes stated as if obvious.

"Thanks, youh a great help," Quipster commented sarcastically.

"I know," Tunes told her smugly. "Now, do ya need anythin' else or can I get back ta Skittery?"

"Dat was it. Have fun," Quipster told her.

"I will," Tunes assured her, smiling mischievously and returning to the bunkroom.

Quipster stood out in the hall for a moment thinking things over before she made up her mind to talk to Rachel.

Quipster marched up to Rachel's bed hesitantly. "Hey, Rachel? Are you awake?"

"No," Rachel mumbled.

Quipster laughed. "I had ta talk ta ya 'bout somethin' but I guess it could wait til tammarrow…"

Rachel sighed, relieved. "Dat'd be bettah," she replied. "I'm kinda tired."

"All right. G'night," Quipster said before walking away.

Rachel waited until she heard Quipster's footsteps, as she walked away before focusing all her attentions on the man in her dreams.  
_"Da noive a her interruptin' us," Rachel complained to Specs. _

"Wondah what she wanted ta talk ta you 'bout," Specs pondered out loud.

"Oh well, what does it mattah?" Rachel questioned.

"She sounded worried. I'm jest hopin' it ain't her wantin' you ta move on an' stuff again," Specs replied. "I need you. I need you to keep me alive."

"I could nevah fohget you," Rachel assured him, kissing him on the cheek.

"I love you," Specs declared, pulling her close to his chest and holding her there.

"I love you, too," Rachel responded, content for the first time that day.

"Hey, Rachel, wake up," Quipster commanded, pushing her.

Rachel groaned before pulling a pillow over her head in refusal.

"You said you'd talk wid me," Quipster reminded her, pulling the pillow away.

Rachel opened one eye and seeing that Quipster wouldn't give up until she got what she wanted she sighed in surrender. "Fine, fine," Rachel muttered swinging her legs out of bed.

"Come wid me ta da wash room, all right?" Quipster requested.  
Rachel nodded sleepily and followed Quipster, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"What's so important?" Rachel inquired.

"Well, ta tell da truth, I'se been watchin' you an' I'm a little worried. I might be a little off base wid dis but it seems like you still haven't gotten ovah Spec's death. I mean, ya nevah talk ta anyone an' you go ta bed earlier den anyone else…"

"What's youh point?" Rachel questioned coldly.

"I jest want ta make shoah youh dealin' wid stuff all right. I mean, I know it's hard ta let go a people…"

"So, really, you'he tellin' me ta let go a fa only person dat's evah cared 'bout me in me entire life?"

"He's dead, doh! Youh're talkin' 'bout it like you got a choice an' you don't. He's dead so you hafta move on. Life's not fair an' you gotta deal wid it!"

"He's not dead to me!" Rachel informed her emphatically. "He's still always der foh me! Anytime I close me eyes an' think 'bout him he's der. He said he'd nevah leave me an' he hasn't!"

Quipster looked horrified. She was trying to decipher if Rachel truly was crazy or just very hurt and didn't know how to deal with death.

"Rachel," Quipster started with a pleading note in her voice. "You can't keep dis up! Jest 'cause Specs is dead doesn't mean dat you hafta pretend dat you are! You hafta get ovah him an' continue youh life. Dat's what Specs would want!"

"You don't know dat! Only I know what Specs wants! An' he said he wants me ta stay wid him. I'm not gunna abandon him aftah he got killed 'cause a me!"

"Look, I know you feel guilty 'bout dat bu…"

"Oh, you know how I feel?" Rachel inquired, incredulous. "You know how it feels ta watch da only person you've evah loved in youh life die right infront a you cause he was tryin' ta save you? You know how it feels ta have youh heart ripped outta youh chest? You know what it feels like ta be completely empty durin' da day an' look forward ta da night so you can be close ta him, again? NO! I DIDN"T THINK SO! You DON'T know any a dat stuff. An' most a all you don't know what it feels like ta wanna die jest ta end all da pain but know you'he too chicken ta kill youhself 'cause you think you might be away from da person you can't live widout foh eternity!"

Tears were now flooding from Rachel's eyes.

Quipster looked completely stunned. She had absolutely no idea how to respond to that tirade. "Well…I…umm…"

"See, you DON'T know how I feel so don't fuckin' pretend dat you do!" Rachel screamed at her before running out of the room and out into the raining darkness.

_On my own  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone  
I walk with him til morning  
Without him  
I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me_

_In the rain  
The pavement shines like silver.  
All the lights  
Are misty in the river  
In the darkness  
The trees are full of starlight  
And all I see is him and me forever and forever._

Rachel ran blindly through the still dark streets. The cold bit at her body that was clothed, only, in a nightgown that did little to hide her from the rain.

"I don't need dem! I don't need anyone, anymoah!" she told herself as she ran.

She finally collapsed into an alley that gave her a small bit of protection from the rain. She forced her eyes shut, hoping that Specs might be able to help her. He was the only one she could turn to now.

_Rachel launched herself into his waiting arms, trying to snuggle as close to him as possible. "I…jest…don't know what ta do," she sobbed to him. _

"Shh…" he murmured in her ear, trying to pacify her. "It'll be okay. We have each othah, dat's all dat mattahs. An' I'm not evah gunna leave you."

Rachel smiled a little. "Youh right," she agreed, sighing deeply.

Specs wiped her tears from her cheeks. "A course I am. No one is evah gunna rip us apaht. Not dat bastahd dat attacked ya an' certoinly not dat bitch of a lodgin' house leadah. If death can't keep us apaht den she don't have a chance," he assured her, kissing her sofly.

"She wasn't right was she? You don't want me ta move on, do ya?" Rachel inquired.

"A course not! What would I do wid out ya?" he asked her.

Rachel grinned at his reassurances. "I miss you so much," she told him. "Why did dis hafta happen ta us?"

"I don't know an' I guess we nevah will…but we won't let it stop us. We'se gunna be tageddah fohevah…right?"

"Right!" Rachel agreed.

Rachel finally had to surrender to the sleep that had been interrupted, earlier. She slept dreaming about Specs and the memories they had made together. Once again assured that she was doing the right thing not letting Specs go.

_And I know  
It's only in my mind  
That I'm talking to myself  
And not to him  
And although I know that he is blind  
Still I say  
There's a way for us_

After a few days on the streets alone Rachel began to lose her confidence in the relationship she had maintained with Specs, even through death. She hadn't sold any papers for fear of running into people from her old lodging house. She had only left the alley she had begun to call home once, to steal a little food after the hunger cramps became to much for her.

She split her day between sleeping and day dreaming about Specs. At first she was perfectly content fixating on her old relationship and ecstatic to be able to continue her thoughts uninterrupted.

Soon, she realized that this wasn't always a blessing because she had run out of memories to relive with Specs and her imagination was affected by lack of food and water. She also had become very sick from exposure to the cold and weather.

Soon she was almost delirious and slipping in and out of day dreams and sleep with little or no control at all.

"_Specs!" Rachel screamed. "SPECS HELP!!" _

The stranger ripped at her clothes with a large knife, paying no attention to the scratches and gashes he was bestowing upon her stomach and chest.

"Please, no! Please don't do dis!" Rachel pleaded. "Please," she cried.

The strong man clamped a hand over her mouth. "Shut it goily if ya don't want youh throat slashed," he warned, waving the knife menacingly in front of her face.

Rachel's eyes widened in fear. She nodded to show she understood and would obey.

Her attacker then went back to work and soon had ripper her clothes off enough of her. "Now foh da fun paht," he told her, sneering.

Rachel could barely see the man through tears of pain and fear. She shook her head and prayed for someone to come to help her.

She was surprised when the man didn't go any further. She blinked a couple times to clear her eyes. She was shocked to see Specs and her attacker in serious combat.

Specs was struggling with the man for control of the knife. Rachel watched for only a moment before running from the alley as fast as she could, panicked. "I gotta get help! I gotta get away from dem!" she thought, running toward the boys lodging house.

She burst through the door to the Newsboys Lodging House on Duane Street where Specs and his friends lived. "Specs…needs help…alley," she managed to get out before collapsing on the floor from blood loss and shock.

Rachel woke up in a cold sweat and breathing rapidly. She looked around her and found herself still in her patronized alley with no one in sight. She sighed relieved before laying back down, assuring herself it had just been a bad dream.

That had not been the first time she had relived the night that had destroyed her life. Earlier that year she had tried to give up her daydreaming about Specs, deeming it crazy of her and aware she had to move on. The nightmares she had after that decision were disturbing enough to make her never want to try again.

_"Why?" Rachel asked Specs, confused. _

"Why what?" Specs questioned.

"Why am I havin' dat nightmare again?"

"You'he thinkin' 'bout leavin' me 'gain. Don't you think I can tell? I'm in you…I know what you'he thinkin'," Specs informed her, looking hurt.

"I'm not gunna leave you!" Rachel protested. "I can't. I need you. I love you."

Specs sighed. "I'm sorry dat I had ta bring up dat memory. It's jest I'll do anythin' ta keep you," he told her.

"I wasn't gunna leave you," Rachel repeated. "I'm jest worried, Specs. I don't know if I can keep dis up much longah. I'm gettin' weakah an' weakah an' I don't know how much longah…"

"Well, den you can be wid me," Specs told her, smiling. "Would dat be so bad?"

Rachel smiled. "I could think a worse things," she flirted.

Perhaps she was to delirious or to far gone to realize that being with Specs meant she would be giving up her own life. Or, maybe she did realize this. For whichever reason, another day passed and she slipped away a little more.

"_It won't be long now," Specs told her, as they sat together. _

"What wont?"

"You'll get youh wish an' be wid me again," Specs explained. "Isn't dat what you want?"

"A course it is. It's what I'se wanted since dat night…" Rachel assured him.

"It's gunna be very soon. Are you ready?" Specs asked her. "Wouldja come wid me now if I asked ya?"

"A course I would. Right now?" she questioned.

"I think it's time," Specs informed her.

"All right," Rachel decided, without hesitation.

Specs held out a hand for her to take.

Rachel extended her hand to take his, but was surprised when it seemed to move farther away. "Specs?"

"Rachel? Why don't you take my hand?" he asked.

"I can't!" Rachel exclaimed, panicked. She tried with all her might to reach his hand but it seemed as if it just continued to move away from her.

"Rachel? Rachel? RACHEL! Raaachel…" Specs said, drifting farther and farther away until he was completely out of sight.

"SPECS NO!" Rachel screamed.

Suddenly Rachel was brought back to consciousness. "SPECS NO!" she screamed out loud, shooting up to a sitting position.

"No, not Specs," a male voice answered. "Hang on Rachel. Just hang on foh me."

"Skittery?" Rachel questioned, uncertainly. She looked around to find herself still in her alley.

"Yeah, it's me. Can ya hold on ta me neck?" Skittery queried.

"No! I can't leave! I was gunna…but…" Rachel protested, not making much sense other than her wish to stay in the alley that now reeked from her own vomit and other wastes.

"Ya hafta come wid me, Rachel. We'se all been worried sick 'bout ya. Jest hold on an' I'll take ya home," Skittery told her.

"I hafta stay wid Specs," Rachel explained quietly, slowly slipping back into unconsciousness.

"Rachel, you can't. He's dead…" Skittery explained, not knowing what to do. He didn't want to take her by force because he didn't want her to fight. But, he couldn't just leave her there.

He didn't have to wonder for long because Rachel, completely weakened, had fallen into unconsciousness again.

_"Specs? Is dat you?" Rachel asked, blinking to bring her eyes into focus. _

"No…it's me, Skittery," the male figure explained.

"Oh, hey Skitt," Rachel greeted, attempting a smile even though she felt terrible.

"I'm so glad youh awake," he told her. "We were all worried 'bout you."

"Why?" Rachel inquired.

"You'se been asleep foh two days straight," Skittery informed her. "We didn't know if you were gunna wake up at all."

Rachel looked at him quizzically before realization came rushing back to her of the life-altering night. The alley, the man, the knife and Specs. "Wheah is Specs? Did he kill da guy?"

Skittery looked uncomfortable. "Maybe you should go back ta sleep…"

"I don't wanna go ta sleep 'til I see him!" Rachel insisted.

_  
"Well…I think youh gunna hafta. Rachel…Specs is dead. Da man killed him befoah anyone had a chance ta get ta him," Skittery told her. He went on to tell her how it wasn't her fault and that Specs was probably happy that he could give up his life for hers and that he loved her a lot. All of this was lost on her though as the words "Specs is dead" echoed through her head. _

"NO!" she screamed when she finally realized what this meant.

"NO!" she screamed out, waking herself up.

"Rachel!" Quipster and Tunes exclaimed. "

"You'he awake!" Quipster stated the obvious.

"We were so scared," Tunes told her.

"What? Wheah am I?" Rachel questioned, looking around her.

"Da Bleekah Street Lodgin' House," Quipster informed her.

"In da sick room," Tunes added.

"But… how? I was in da alley an'…" Rachel started, confused.

"Skittery found ya an' brought ya back heah," Quipster explained.

"We'se all been so worried. Ya have no idea!" Tunes declared.

"Dis…is too much. Do ya think dat you could get me some watah? I feel like I ain't drank any in days," Rachel requested.

Quipster and Tunes nodded and left the room, realizing that Rachel probably just needed some time to readjust to being around people.

Rachel waited until they were out of the room before snapping her eyes shut, hurriedly.

"_Rachel…I'se disappointed in ya. I thought you loved me. I loved you!" Specs told her. _

"I do love you!"

"I died because of you an' dis is how ya repay me? You killed me!"

"I didn't! I didn't kill you!" Rachel protested. "Da man…wid da knife…he killed you!"

"If it weren't foh you I'd be alive," Specs told her.

"But you aren't. You chose to jump inta da alley an' dat's how you died. No one made you jump in. An' I love you foh it, but you are dead an' I didn't kill you!" Rachel yelled at him. Then, realizing what she had said, she started to believe it.

"NO!" Specs yelled at her.

"Yes…goodbye Specs," she told him.

Rachel's eyes opened slowly. A small tear made it's way down her face as she whispered again, "Good bye Specs."

_I love him  
But when the night is over  
He is gone  
The river's just a river  
Without him  
The world around me changes  
The trees are bare and every where the streets are full of strangers  
_

"Heah's youh watah," Quipster told her, handing the glass to her.

Rachel emptied the glass quickly and held it out for more.

"I'm way aheada you," Tunes told her, walking in with a pitcher of water.

Rachel smiled and drank until she couldn't drink anymore. "Thank you guys."

"Rachel, umm…I think you might need help or somethin'. We're youh friends…you can talk ta us," Quipster told her. She was never one for tact and always said what she was thinking.

Rachel observed Quipster silently for a moment before saying, "I think youh right. I do need help. Will you help me?"

Quipster and Tunes both nodded. "We'll do anythin' we can," Tunes assured her.

"Well, I think dat I jest gotta talk 'bout it foist. Is dat okay?" Rachel inquired.

Quipster smiled warmly. "We got all da time in da world. You can tell us everythin'."

Rachel returned Quipster's smile with a small one of her own. "Well it all stahted…" Rachel began. She went on to explain how after Spec's death she didn't know how to deal with it since it seemed like her fault he had died. She kept wishing that she had stayed in the house or had run faster for help. Any number of 'could have beens' flooded her mind after Specs was murdered. Finally, she realized that sitting and pretending he was with her just made it easier for her to deal with the pain. Eventually she even fooled herself to believing it was actually Specs talking to her. After awhile it had evolved into her needing to be able to day dream about him to keep her functioning. She realized her dependence on this life she was making up for herself and hated the hold it had on her but by that time it was too late. She had isolated herself from all her old friends and had waited too long to deal with the pain. She gave in and began dreaming about him again after a couple days and managed to remain content with it, mistakenly believing it could take the place of a real life. After she had come so near life she realized that she didn't want to die and that Specs wouldn't want her to either. She was now, more than ever, determined to make it through her life, living it to the fullest. She wanted to make sure Specs didn't die in vain.

"Wow," Tunes commented once Rachel was done.

"Uh…yeah…wow," Quipster echoed.

"So, I'm ready now. I wanna get bettah an' get back ta me normal life," Rachel told them. "I guess I'm a little slow but bettah late den nevah."

"Well, you can count on us," Quipster assured her.

"Yup, anythin' ya need let us know," Tunes added.

"Well, right now I would die foh some food. I guess I haven't really eaten lately," Rachel confided.

"You bet!" Quipster exclaimed, hurrying out of the room to rustle up some food in the kitchen. She came back shortly with some hot chicken broth, not wanting to make her sick with a lot of food.

Rachel ate it hungrily and proudly finished it all with out becoming sick once. "Things are really gunna be bettah now den dey have been foh a long time," Rachel thought with a small smile. Finally she saw the glimmer of hope shining through the depression that had settled in almost a year ago.

_I love him  
But every day I'm learning  
All my life  
I've only been pretending  
Without me  
His world will go on turning  
The world is full of happiness that I have never known_

Rachel made a slow but sure recovery. Within weeks she was back to normal life. Quipster and Tunes took her under their wings and one of them was almost always around her.

Although she wasn't ready to begin dating yet she did start to become better friends with some of the boys, especially Skittery who she had become very close with after the entire ordeal.

Every once in awhile she would catch herself day dreaming about him but quickly stopped and was soon content just remembering things she and Specs had done in their time together. She even became strong enough to reminisce with the rest of Spec's friends, taking turns telling stories about him.

"…An' den," Skittery said between laughs. "Spec's fell on da watah. Boy was he mad….sittin' on da wet floor wid pants two or three inches too short for him…it was priceless."

The group consisting of Skittery, Rachel, Bumlets, Itey, Quipter and Tunes burst out laughing. "Now dis," Rachel thought, "is how Specs would want things."

_I love him,  
I love him,  
I love him,  
But only on my own._


End file.
